I was in grade nine, just reaching 14, when I first watched an “R” rated movie.
In an era where internet and social media did not dominate our
lives unlike now, an R-rated movie was
absolutely a big deal. I could say that by the look on my mom’s face, when my dad
gave this particular movie for me and my elder sister (18, then) to watch. I
still remember how he, in the most relaxed manner, told my mom that its “OK” to
let us watch it.
So is this about sex education?
No… this is about sincere love in a most divine relationship
on earth, a father-daughter relationship.
My dad brought me up with so much love, as any father would.
But most of all, he trusted me. He never set rules in the house. Instead, he
taught me how to differentiate between good and bad. He always encouraged me to
go out and see the world, to be independent, to choose my own friends, to
decide what I need to become in my life. Yet, whenever I felt confused or
vulnerable he always stood by me like a pillar, giving me all the guidance and
support I needed.
Back in school, I had friends whose fathers did not allow
them to go on school-trips, to engage in extra-curricular activities, or even
to answer the phone at home. Some of them feared their father so much that they
kept themselves cornered in class. They feared punishment. At certain times, I
have seen how embarrassed they felt to say “no” because they do not have father’s
permission.
Meanwhile, some girls tried to overcome this fear by
aggressively trying to break every other rule in class, eventually getting
labelled as ‘bad’ students. They developed power struggles to draw attention
towards them and their needs. They always tried to go against their parents to prove
them wrong, sooner or later putting everyone into trouble.
Both these kinds of kids ultimately end up hating their fathers
for life and wishing they had a father like mine.
I grew up thinking these incidents only happen in school, as
children are anyway dependent on their parents and things might change when
they become grownups. With that thought, after college I entered the vibrant
Corporate World. To my disappointment, nothing changed.
I witnessed the children who were taught to be independent,
who were given the freedom of choice, getting recognized and going up the
career ladder very fast. Whereas, the children who kept themselves cornered,
were now afraid to speak up, to socialize and lack ability in problem solving.
Most of them have grown to become powerless and timid.
At the same time, the so called ‘bad’ students have grown up
to be more aggressive, creating problems for their colleagues, spreading anger
and hatred wherever they go. Most of them got just lucky to get through college
and even luckier if they got a shot at a decent job. Most of them have grown up
to play all the negative roles in the society.
Today I feel sad, when I meet people with such dilemma. I
only wish if their parents have had a little trust on their children, if they
had only let them learn through trial and error, if they had only given them
freedom as much as love and education.
On the contrary, any protective father / mother reading this
would think it doesn’t work this way. “Too much freedom can only spoil my child.
Not allowing them to attend a late night party doesn’t mean we don’t love them.
We just can’t let them do whatever they want and sit back and watch. We don’t
want to face any situation that we will have to regret one day.” This is what’s
running in their minds right now.
Instead, give a thought to the child’s point of view. Teach
her to understand the difference between good and bad. Talk to her about the
negative things that are happening in the society. Don’t tell her “be careful”.
Instead, teach her how to be careful. Make her feel how much you believe in
them. Teach her how shattered you will be if she ever breaks that trust. Give
your daughter the positive attention she seeks in small age. Because, if she
doesn’t get that attention then, soon she will think she doesn’t need it
anymore. Then it will be too late to reconcile.
I remember, dad and I always found time to sit and discuss
about different topics in life. He travels a lot with his work. When he
returns, he tells me about the people he met in different countries, what they
look like and what their culture is like. My dad taught me to become
broad-minded. Despite of how young and inexperienced I am compared to him, he
tells me about his problems at work and asks me what I think he should do. I
still remember how privileged I felt knowing that, of all the people he can
refer to, he wishes to know “my opinion”. I too would share my stories with him
and boast about how I brought situations under control. In the long run, my dad
and I did bridge the communication gap between the generations.
Last year, I left my job because I was not happy with my
workplace. I gave up a career of 6 years. Initially, my dad supported me to
hold on. He advised me to stay strong. But my level of frustration kept growing
day after day. It reached a level that I cannot handle anymore and finally I
decided to let go. It was a truly traumatizing experience that I overcame
mostly with the support of my family, my loving sister and of course, my dad.
He told me to decide what I want to do with life and he assured that he was
there for me. Because he gave me that freedom of choice, I was courageous
enough to leave the job and let go of that dark period. With the support of my
sister and inspiration from my dad, I finally made up my mind to shift to a
foreign land and settle myself happily.
Thanks to social media, internet and many other options,
children are exposed to the world in ways that are sometimes beyond our
control. Along with the level of their intelligence, height of peer pressure also
keeps increasing day by day. They tend to try doing new things sometimes to
impress their peers. Your teen-aged daughter will see nothing wrong in having a
boyfriend simply because she wants to stay in trend. She will need a smart
phone to show off to her friends before you think she is of the right age. Her
demands will sometimes actually surprise you. This is no longer a time to
‘discipline with punishment’. Instead, ‘discipline with trust & support’
can take a father-daughter relationship a long way.
It doesn’t mean that you should blindfold yourself and let
them do what they wish. I always knew my dad did his background research before
he said YES for anything. In fact, my dad never said NO to me. Surprising?
Unbelievable? Well, whenever he wanted
to say NO, instead he gave me the perfect alternative and carefully explained
to me how that would be the best option for me. So, in place of rejection, I was
always met with an option. Therefore, while he trusted that I will win any situation,
I trusted that he will never let me fail.
My dad always used to tell me, “Before you do anything
wrong, just give a thought about how I will feel when I get to know”. Every
time I stood at the crossroads of life, these words have echoed in my ears. These
words have chimed in my head. These words have always made me think before I
act. My father has given me everything I ever wanted in my life, sometimes even
better. One day, if I make him cry, I only want his eyes to flow tears of joy
and pride.
Today I am a successful Finance Executive and believe I have made my
father very proud. Yet I know I have done very little in return to what he
has done for me.
I have travelled the world and seen so many places. I have
lived my life the way I want. Through him I have learned to value relationships.
I have learned to respect different opinions. I have learned to become
independent. Most of all, I have learned to choose wisely.
“My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me” – Jim Valvano
After 12 years, I realize how true this statement is and how
important that “trust” was for me, to become the person I am today. I have
stumbled, I have fallen, I have lost battles. At the same time, I learned to get
up, to stand for myself and to fight because I knew there is one person out
there who believed in me no matter what. He is my greatest gift from God; I
call him “dad”.
The kind of love between a father and daughter is so unique
and so special. I am so lucky to have experienced it in the most beautiful
manner. Fathers please, believe in your daughters as much as you love them and
they will surely surprise you with the love they can give back.
Most children wish they had a father like mine, and I wish
the same for my child, when I have one someday…
- Wathsala Perera -
